Thoughts I had when watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens (spoilers)

There really isn't enough stuff on the internet about Star Wars episode VII, so I thought I'd contribute.  NB – there are plot spoilers below, so if you haven't watched the film yet, sort out your priorities but also please do not continue to read.

For many years, it was my dream to find a boyfriend who would be willing to accompany me to events such as a midnight showing of a Star Wars film. Dream achieved. (I don't want to brag too much about how awesome he is, but he's also currently a Rank 22 on Star Wars Battlefield and on Wednesday he aced the 'Science' round at a pub quiz.)

One of the reasons I love Star Wars so much is because it's one of those franchises with lots of holes and knots that you can pick at and argue about with your friends in pubs. It's a fertile ground for theories and annoyance – I love it. (These are also the reasons I love Doctor Who, but I don't have as many Whovian friends...)

A year or so ago, I wrote the Star Wars annual and as I rewatched the first six films, I found myself switching from the jedi/rebellion/Light Side to the Dark Side/Empire for the simple reason that the Empire gets stuff done. All the jedi seem to do is sit around whining about things while shaking their heads in a passive and condescending way. Apart from Anakin; he whines, but you've got to admire anyone who can pull themselves up the bank of a lava river after someone has cut off three of their limbs. That's tenacity for you. Plus, I wish I could get away with wearing a badass black helmet around town – but the reason I don't has more to do with me not being able to pull off that look than any possible social derision about an eccentric dress-sense choices. I also doubt that Darth Vader's helmet would look good with flowery dresses.

My allegiance to the Dark Side however changed when I watched ep. VII.
For two reasons: Finn/John Boyega – Finn is an awesome character, plus John Boyega is my new favourite celebrity. It's so delightful to watch him be so ecstatic that he's in Star Wars. I imagine that he looks in the mirror each morning and squeals with excitement as he dawns on him yet again that his life is real and he is best friends with Harrison Ford. I want to be his BFF. Also, Rey – another strong, female role model for the franchise, but now with a lightsaber and fight scenes – hooray!
Also who can forget how amazing Po Dameron and BB-8 are . . . so much fandom squealing.

But I digress . . . These are ten questions I have after watching, digesting and ruminating about Star Wars episode VII:
1) Why are jedis so shit at training other jedis successfully?
2) Why hasn't an authority in the Star Wars universe figured out that there's something in the Skywalkers' DNA that makes them terrible parents? Is that why they keep planet hopping, to escape child protection agencies?
3) Why doesn't anyone learn from the past?
Examples:
The First Order did not learn from the Empire that building gutters in a battleship that an X-wing can fly down is not a good idea. All it would take would be to decrease those gutters by a metre and perhaps the base you've been building won't be so easy to destroy.
It's not a good idea to have an angst-riddled father-son reunion near where one of you can fall or be pushed off from a height.
4) Why do all jedis piss off and exile themselves on a remote planet every time they lose a battle? It's so passive aggressive – I'm looking at you Obi-Wan, Yoda and Luke.
5) If Luke was hiding and didn't want anyone to find him (apparently not even his twin sister) then why leave any sort of map? He's just asking for someone to find him. Also, if he knows he's likely to be hunted down by his Sith nephew, why not take your lightsaber to arm yourself, just in case?
6) Why haven't the rebellion found a better method for passing secret messages between themselves than by droid? This method has proved to be fraught with danger and has a high probability of interception.
7) What about the prophecy of bringing balance to the Force? Neither Anakin or Luke have brought balance now – so is this just a load of rubbish?
8) If Rey is a Skywalker (Luke's daughter maybe?) then a disturbing pattern emerges with the Skywalker kids – they seem to get abandoned on desert planets, or in Anakin's case grow up as a slave on a desert planet. Is sand crucial to being strong with the Force? Is sand an excellent source of 'midi-chlorians'?!
9) This is clearly a universe of Daddy issues. Anakin – didn't have a father, and his substitute father, Obi-Wan, chopped off three of his legs and left him to die by a river of lava. Luke – his father chopped off his hand (bit of a theme?) and tried to kill him. Kylo Ren – we're not sure exactly what his Daddy issues are, but since he killed his dad, he's almost certainly got them. He also seems to have Grandfather issues too. Rey – whoever her father is or isn't, she was abandoned on a desert planet. She also watched a 'substitute' father be killed by his son. Finn – was stolen from his family and brain-washed into being a Storm Trooper.
It's not a universe where family values seem to be very important.
10) Supreme leader Snoke – his hologram is huge. Is this because he is so little in real life and he has small man issues?


Ah, I bloody love Star Wars! A second viewing might raise even more questions - can't wait!

NB – this is my favourite fan theory so far: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/seriously-dont-click-this-if-you-havent-seen-tfa-yet?bftw&utm_term=.bnllxv7ae#.ouzRnaoe3 

Which reminds me, I am very sad that the theory that JarJar Binks is a Sith Emperor appears to have been crushed. That would have been both ridiculous and cool.