I'm well aware that people are either just making small talk and are (most likely) being very well intentioned in their questions on this topic but why does everyone feel the need to ask me this? And, come to that, why does it make me feel paranoid that the subtext of this question is that you aren't viewed as a being part of a successful couple until you decide to get married? In fact, it seems that the longer the relationship continues without an engagement or marriage, the more alarmed people seem to be about the fact that you're not engaged or married already. No matter how happy and stable your relationship may in fact be in reality, it seems the fact that you're not legally bound together by a ceremony must mean that something must be wrong.
Perhaps the crux of my issue with this (and my motivation for this blog post) are two-fold: one is that I get asked this question much more frequently than Nick does; in fact, Nick only gets asked this question when he and I are both asked together. Which apparently means that people think that as I am a woman, I must naturally want to get married more than Nick – as if marriage is the happy 'be-all-and-end-all' ending and sole purpose and achievement of a woman's life. Being a successful marriage is an achievement, but no more of an achievement than being in a successful relationship. IT seems to me that marriage isn't the end of a story, but a new chapter in the middle of an already existing one.
The fact that this question appears to be inextricably linked to my gender, also comes with the connotations that people seem to perceive that Nick, as a man, is successful in his relationship, perhaps by virtue of being in one; yet as a woman, despite this relationship being the very same one, I am less successful as I have not yet convinced Nick to ask me to marry him. I have more than once been offer 'tips' on how to get Nick to propose, as if to correct all the things I must be doing wrong. Maybe, if I was better woman, say if I met him at the door every night with a martini, wearing lingerie after having cleaned the house and cooked him a meal, he might have proposed already...
The second crux of this issue for me is that I am conscious how easily this question turns me into one of those stereotypical girlfriends who perhaps nags her boyfriend about this topic (usually after a drink, I must admit). To the extent that now, if this question is asked to the both of us it immediately becomes awkward. An innocent question posed during the polite dance of small talk, to my own horror and through what feels like my own doing, morphs into this horrible self-perceived monster of proof – that everyone thinks we're not married because there's a problem. Whether people actually believe this or not, it's something I find myself feeling for a split second before I remind myself that it doesn't matter what others think, only what we know to be true.
When we do decide to get married, it will be on our own terms. Also, yes I'm well aware that it's a leap year in 2016, but, as Nick replied to someone who mentioned this recently (he knows me!) I'll be damned if I'm conforming to a cliché of female stereotypes.
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